National Lampoon Talks About Humans Vs. Zombies

Garrett Hargrove of National Lampoon talks about the power of reviewers and their official endorsement of film. He makes a lot of great points and I seriously do want Uwe Boll's phone number!

Here is a link to the article: http://nationallampoon.com/columns/i-am-the-authority. If your computer hates you as much as mine hates me, then here is a transcription of all the badassery that ensued:

There are common people. There are the 99%. There are legions who are being marketed to. Being targeted by advertising. But they know you don’t trust “them.” The advertisers. That’s because their profession is built upon trying to convince you through any means to buy their product. Their inherent nature is to falsely try to convince you that their product which costs X to make is worth you paying X plus an additional amount. They don’t care about what you like. They try to tell you what TO like.

The advertisers know you don’t trust them. So they sign on spokespeople you would trust. An authority on the matter. Sure naming your own price for a flight sounds sketchy. But if Captain Kirk tells you its a solid deal, you have to believe it. He would never lead you astray. You may think a Fiat is too small for you. But when J-Lo comes on screen selling it, you know that if her Stay-Puft marshmallow man she calls an ass can fit in it, yours can, too. She would never let her fans buy something she wouldn’t use herself, right? It’s not like she has complete contempt for the little people.

So why is this all relevant? See the below:

“Fantastic Movie!!! – Garrett Hargrove, National Lampoon”

Bigger than the name of the director on the cover.

Bigger than any of the stars.

Bigger than the Zombie logo at the bottom.

Almost as big as the bloody machete.

It’s a testimonial from me. A film I had nothing to do with has decided that my recommendation was worthy of the cover. I’ve tried to keep it all in perspective. Tried to not let it over inflate my ego. But I could come to no other conclusion other than:

I AM THE AUTHORITY
Humans Versus Zombies is a fun film. It is a real movie as you can see here on Amazon and not just some photoshop I made: Amazon Link. Its got fun zombie action. Its got nudity. Its got that cute, curly haired girl from the last season of “Friday Night Lights”. It doesn’t take itself too seriously. What more could one ask for from a zombie film? But that’s not always enough. In this world where HD cameras are cheaper than your average Kardashian, there are lots of zombie movies that CLAIM to be worth your time. The posters may look flashy. Advertisers will try their darndest to lure you in and convince you to try their zombie movie over HvZ. Brian T. Jaynes was at a loss for how to stand out amongst the slew of other Zombie films when all he has is a split second to catch your eye when you see it on the shelves.

Then, sometimes fate smiles upon you. Humans Versus Zombies happened to be showing at the Houston based Splatterfest. Right after my film, Cherry Bomb. Following my film, I stuck around to see HvZ. I enjoyed it. After the screening, I met up with Brian, the director. People were approaching him telling him how much they enjoyed the movie. “Pfft. Your opinion matters not, for you are but a common man.”

I then approached him and told him about my appreciation for the film. His eyes lit up. “But… you’re… YOU! You’re not like these other people. You write for the Lampoon. Your opinion means something.”

I bowed my head. “I know.”

“Would you be willing to spread these words of praise onto the interconnected series of computers known as the internet so others might hear of your authoritative praise?” Jaynes pleaded.

I agreed.

I posted a review on imdb for the film. We parted ways. Then it came time for Jaynes to distribute his film. And he came to me once more. “The distribution company has asked for permission from the great National Lampoon wordsmith to use his quote as an endorsement of the film.” Jaynes came humbly bearing gifts with his request.

I granted it.

And now, when Humans Versus Zombies enters stores in May, shoppers will see it. And know it is worthy of their money. And not because of advertisers or flashy marketing or even the nudity.

But because the Authority has assured them of its quality.

None shall question this approval. Critics opinions are airtight and not subject for contention. Critics are infallible. Should you disagree with the verdict or opinion of The Authority, realize it is purely because you cannot possibly analyze and comprehend on the same levels as The Authority.

I asked star Frederic Doss (of GI Joe: Rise of Cobra and Transformers) how it felt to have the Authority recommend his film. He was elated:

“National Lampoon said “Humans Vs. Zombies” is FANTASTIC?!?! You hear that Michael Bay? Fantastic! Now who has Uwe Boll’s phone number? I’m about to be huge!”

“As an actor you have to trust your director. I told Brian I trusted his vision, but it wasn’t until National Lampoon validated it that I really believed it.” said Chip Joslin, who played Brad in the film.

Star Jesse Ferraro said: “To have national lampoons give a shout out in any way, shape, or form to HVZ…well who cares what happens from here on out.”

Madison Burge said “No, I will NOT give you Adrianne Palicki’s number! I am blocking this facebook account!”

Seeing the difference this has made to Jaynes (HvZ is set, even in pre-sale, to become the highest grossing film ever starring Madison Burge and Chip Joslin), I decided to use my divine ability to bless or condemn products on a larger scale. Since reviewing Michael Biehn‘s The Victim, Biehn’s production company has signed a three picture deal with Aspect Films. Its been on an every once in a while basis up until this point, but now… The Authority is going to accept films, DVDs or beef based products for a regular review column on this site, the authority on comedy, National Lampoon.

So, feel free to contact me through here for films or products to review. The Authority will always strive to create the best Gene Shalit-esque quotes for your film or food product poster. And when people doubt the quality of your product, you can point to The Authority’s review and cut the legs from under your detractors.

And in NO WAY should this be construed as simply an act to attain free stuff.